Selasa, 04 September 2012

An Apple on Your Head, Relationship Physics

Attempts to describe the differences and similarities of men and women have been made by philosophers, church leaders, and day-time TV. All have failed. Our ancestors lived in trees, then we evolved. Sort of. After centuries of development men still tend to hunt and gather. Men still consider their role to be the provider, to bring home the clubbed furry thing for lunch. Do women still select their mate for his physical prowess? "Him big, make good hunter." Women still tend to nurture and play their supportive role in our homes made of sticks and stone. It is women who have this unique ability to bear more hunters. It is women who still prepare the dead furry thing by combining it with organic matter plucked form the earth. Do men select their women based on physical child bearing attributes? "Big things, make good mother." Anthropologists have offered indisputable scientific proof that men and women are different, and have evolved according to some kind of physical law and cultural rule. They tell us men and women have behaved much the same since the beginning. So by now we should have it all figured out. Men and women should live in their cave and form a bond, based on their primitive need to please the other and to protect their symbiotic relationship. If it were so, then how do we account for the divorce rate? How do we account for the thousands of unhappy marriages? Sir Isaac Newton, a 17th Century scientist, might explain it using his laws of physics. 1. "An object at rest tends to stay at rest and an object in motion tends to stay in motion with the same speed and in the same direction unless acted upon by an unbalanced force." Soccer mom drives the SUV from field to field and will continue to do so unless she is interrupted by a stationary object called a post. Cooking and cleaning mom tends to continue cooking and cleaning unless she has to rush to aerobics class, or pick up the kids. Working man tends to stay at work unless he is interrupted with a request to show up before the diner is cold, and bring home a loaf of bread. TV man tends to stay at rest unless the game is over and has to use the sandbox, or is out of beer, or both. 2. "The acceleration of an object as produced by a net force is directly proportional to the magnitude of the net force, in the same direction as the net force, and inversely proportional to the mass of the object." Most people think of this as dropping bricks and feathers from tall buildings. It's really a reference to the relationship habits of man and woman. See, back in the 17th century, and anthropologists will agree, women were considered to be objects, and men were the force. If you read the 2nd law again it would be: She moves faster to her mother or to her lover when he pushes her harder. Or, he pushes her by doing nothing at all, especially around the house on weekends when he claims that he needs to rest so he can continue to work and earn money so she can have the SUV to take the kids to soccer and ballet and swimming and rush home to cook and finish the laundry and be ready for sex when he is finished playing on the computer and gets an erection. 3. "For every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction." This simple writer firmly believes and affirms that Sir Isaac's third law explains just about every relationship thing between man and woman. This physics law, this law of nature, this universal man-woman law, explains what is going to happen to him when he forgets her birthday. It also explains why she get's him exactly the right colour cover for his golf clubs, or the right size shirt with the button down collar that goes with his pants that she gave him last month. The third law also explains why she reacts the way she does when he brings her flowers. Or phones her when he will be late. Or doesn't forget her birthday. Or takes her to dinner, or takes the kids to soccer so she can have a rest. Or gives her a hug. Or stops what he is doing, or not doing, and simply listens to her. Or says, "I love you" and means it.

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