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Jumat, 24 Agustus 2012
10 Tips for a Successful First Date
Here's some tips for going on a first date to help you make sure that you're taking your relationship where you want it to go.
1. Take her somewhere that you go often. You'll give yourself a lot of credibility and value if you take her to place where everyone knows you. Stop and chat with the staff there. Learn their names and make sure they know yours. It only says good things about you. If you don't have a place like this yet, make one.
2. Take her to an interesting restaurant. It's a lot more fun to go eat sushi or some type of authentic ethnic food than just going to a more common restaurant. You don't want it too be so interesting that there's always something crazy going on and you can't talk to her. Just make sure it is a little different.
3. Relax. The more you relax and show that you're comfortable, the more your date will relax. If you feel like you're getting nervous or tense, just take a deep breath, relax your shoulder muscles and smile. Just focus on having a good time.
4. Get rid of your expectations. So many guys that I meet wrap expectations around everything they do. They think, "buying dinner = she's going to be my girlfriend or wife." If you just spend the time that you're together having a good time, acting like you would around someone you already know well and show that you couldn't care less if anything happens between the two of you, you'll have a much better chance of progressing things than if you act like she's the first girl you've seen in twenty years, acting really nervous and so dumb that she runs away.
5. Don't talk about normal boring topics or "guy topics". If you want to be like every other boring guy out there, talk about what job she has, where she has gone to or goes to college. Only talk about guy topics like sports, lifting weights or something like that if SHE is already very interested in them. Also, don't cling to a topic like it's the only thing you can talk about. If a conversation dies, let it go.
6. Have a story or two that you can tell if you run out of things to say. One of the best ways to keep a conversation going is to have a few stories that you can tell at any time. When the conversation stops, just say, "Anyway," and go into a story. The story doesn't have to be something too amazing, just a little bit different.
Tell a story about a date that you went on where your date did something embarrassing or funny. Women love to talk about relationships and I've found that they are the easiest to come up with. If you're having problems, just grab a girly magazine and read it for 15 minutes. You should find more than enough things to talk about in there.
7. Know a little bit about a lot of things. You can ask me about almost anything and I probably know enough about it to talk for at least 5 minutes. The more you know about, the easier it will be to hold conversations on just about any topic.
8. If your date wants to talk, listen to her. People like to talk and get the feeling that what they have to say is important. This doesn't mean that you should ask her endless questions trying to get her to talk. If she's not talking, feel free to. But, don't interrupt her if she is.
9. Don't try to impress your date. One of the worst things a guy can do is talk about how much money he has, what kind of a car he drives or anything else that comes across as trying hard to impress. If you do have a cool house or car, let her find out when she sees it. And if she isn't impressed by it, don't be surprised. You're much better off by just being a relaxed, fun, cool guy than you are trying to impress her.
10. Have a plan. You should have your date planned in advance. And although you should have it planned, you should also be flexible. If something comes up that could be a lot of fun, don't be so rigid that you can't change plans. Your plan should be more of a guideline so that you always have something to do.
Jumat, 01 Juni 2012
Light Up Or Leave Me Alone
We are all just human. Each of us has our own set of character flaws or character defects. There are many people that wear masks, if you will, and they wear different ones for different people. There seems to be this mystification of projecting the “right” image to prospects in the dating world. Lets be honest, do you really want to attract a member of the opposite sex (or whatever your sexual preference might be) by projecting a fantasy that Don Juan couldn’t live up to? You can’t keep it up forever, and even if you could, it’s not real!
This applies to many smokers out there as well; especially those that are involved in the dating scene. Smoking seems to be one of those “red flags” or “character flaws” we would just as soon not publicize to our field of potential significant partners, at least in the beginning. So many of us feel as though we are being forced to be dishonest about our smoking just to be considered as a possibility in the eyes of that “perfect match”. The question here is; do you want to misrepresent whom you are and what you do just to get a date?
Many people might answer this question with a resounding “yes”; I want to project a fantasy that will attract the “perfect match” for me. The thinking here is similar to the door-to-door salesman that just wants to get his foot in the door and have the opportunity to sell his wares. This might work to some extent for selling widgets, but experience has taught me that there is one valued commodity that is absolutely imperative to form a successful relationship: Honesty. In order to be honest with another, you must first be honest with yourself. This is not as easy a task as it sounds for many people.
According to the Freudian Conflict Theory in personality, we have “id”, “ego” and “superego” all busy at work within our psyche. All jockey for position to dominate our thinking. Thus, our behavior is directly affected in various ways at different times and in different situations. The “id” operates within our psyche on the basis of pleasure only. It is childlike in many ways, and according to the theory, it is the driving force behind pleasure seeking. The superego is the morality or moral guidance barometer of the psyche. This mostly comes from what we have been taught is morally right or wrong. However, there is an innate conscience component of the superego that is theoretically not governed by what we have been taught. Then there is the ego; that self image that we project to the outside world. The ego creates a balance between id and superego. It saves us from being victims of our own pleasure. It is, in essence, the caretaker of the id and the superego. As they each have different goals, they are constantly in conflict with each other.
This sounds like a real mess. In many ways it certainly seems so. A “normal” person is full of conflict about themselves and who they really are. The theory makes it sound like we are all egomaniacs with inferiority complexes. What does all this have to do with honesty? Well it all comes down to perceptions. That is, our own self-perception and the perception of others. We have a tendency to make comparisons of our inner self with what we perceive to be the ideal self.
Or we may compare ourselves to others. In so doing, we may intentionally misrepresent our actual self as our ideal self. Or, we may just flat out lie about who we are and squelch the guilt.
As a smoker, I’ve been taught that smoking is wrong. It is unhealthy, it is smelly, it is unattractive to the opposite sex, etc., etc. The list goes on forever, and frankly, I’m tired of hearing it. I’ve come to grips with my smoking. Even though it isn’t something I am proud of, it is a part of who I am. If I were to quit smoking, then that would be a part of who I am at that time. I don’t make excuses for being me and I don’t apologize for it.
Years ago when I signed up for a couple of free dating sites, I filled in the profile information and hesitated when it asked if I were a smoker. I put down “no” even though it wasn’t true. Sure, I got matched up with a wonderful person, but I couldn’t enjoy any of it. I was so preoccupied with the fact that I couldn’t smoke (which made me want to smoke even more) and the fact that I was already being dishonest with this person that I couldn’t focus on just relaxing and having a good time. There was something odd about her behavior too. Sure, she was nervous, but I felt it was something more than that. She was holding back way too much. There was this “wall” between us. I didn’t know why at the time. I figured we were just incompatible and never called her. By chance, I saw her again several years after our first and only date. She told me that she was a smoker at the time, and had lied on her profile. We had a good laugh about it when she found out that I was guilty of the very same thing. Had we not both misrepresented ourselves and had then been matched up, who knows how far it might have gone?
It’s life-lessons like these that have brought me full circle to being honest with myself. There are many more people out there just like me. These are the ones who have come to terms with the dishonesty of it all. Many of them have chosen to throw away the masks they wear for others and just be themselves. This works well, especially when tempered with some common sense. After all, there is no reason to be so blatantly honest about meaningless things that may hurt someone’s feelings. Being honest doesn’t mean you have to be cruel.
Recently I signed up at one of the newer free dating sites that specializes in matching up smokers, http://SmokingDate.com/. I was surprised how many there are, and how many hits I got right away. My new profile states: I am who I am. I am a smoker. So either light up or leave me alone.
This applies to many smokers out there as well; especially those that are involved in the dating scene. Smoking seems to be one of those “red flags” or “character flaws” we would just as soon not publicize to our field of potential significant partners, at least in the beginning. So many of us feel as though we are being forced to be dishonest about our smoking just to be considered as a possibility in the eyes of that “perfect match”. The question here is; do you want to misrepresent whom you are and what you do just to get a date?
Many people might answer this question with a resounding “yes”; I want to project a fantasy that will attract the “perfect match” for me. The thinking here is similar to the door-to-door salesman that just wants to get his foot in the door and have the opportunity to sell his wares. This might work to some extent for selling widgets, but experience has taught me that there is one valued commodity that is absolutely imperative to form a successful relationship: Honesty. In order to be honest with another, you must first be honest with yourself. This is not as easy a task as it sounds for many people.
According to the Freudian Conflict Theory in personality, we have “id”, “ego” and “superego” all busy at work within our psyche. All jockey for position to dominate our thinking. Thus, our behavior is directly affected in various ways at different times and in different situations. The “id” operates within our psyche on the basis of pleasure only. It is childlike in many ways, and according to the theory, it is the driving force behind pleasure seeking. The superego is the morality or moral guidance barometer of the psyche. This mostly comes from what we have been taught is morally right or wrong. However, there is an innate conscience component of the superego that is theoretically not governed by what we have been taught. Then there is the ego; that self image that we project to the outside world. The ego creates a balance between id and superego. It saves us from being victims of our own pleasure. It is, in essence, the caretaker of the id and the superego. As they each have different goals, they are constantly in conflict with each other.
This sounds like a real mess. In many ways it certainly seems so. A “normal” person is full of conflict about themselves and who they really are. The theory makes it sound like we are all egomaniacs with inferiority complexes. What does all this have to do with honesty? Well it all comes down to perceptions. That is, our own self-perception and the perception of others. We have a tendency to make comparisons of our inner self with what we perceive to be the ideal self.
Or we may compare ourselves to others. In so doing, we may intentionally misrepresent our actual self as our ideal self. Or, we may just flat out lie about who we are and squelch the guilt.
As a smoker, I’ve been taught that smoking is wrong. It is unhealthy, it is smelly, it is unattractive to the opposite sex, etc., etc. The list goes on forever, and frankly, I’m tired of hearing it. I’ve come to grips with my smoking. Even though it isn’t something I am proud of, it is a part of who I am. If I were to quit smoking, then that would be a part of who I am at that time. I don’t make excuses for being me and I don’t apologize for it.
Years ago when I signed up for a couple of free dating sites, I filled in the profile information and hesitated when it asked if I were a smoker. I put down “no” even though it wasn’t true. Sure, I got matched up with a wonderful person, but I couldn’t enjoy any of it. I was so preoccupied with the fact that I couldn’t smoke (which made me want to smoke even more) and the fact that I was already being dishonest with this person that I couldn’t focus on just relaxing and having a good time. There was something odd about her behavior too. Sure, she was nervous, but I felt it was something more than that. She was holding back way too much. There was this “wall” between us. I didn’t know why at the time. I figured we were just incompatible and never called her. By chance, I saw her again several years after our first and only date. She told me that she was a smoker at the time, and had lied on her profile. We had a good laugh about it when she found out that I was guilty of the very same thing. Had we not both misrepresented ourselves and had then been matched up, who knows how far it might have gone?
It’s life-lessons like these that have brought me full circle to being honest with myself. There are many more people out there just like me. These are the ones who have come to terms with the dishonesty of it all. Many of them have chosen to throw away the masks they wear for others and just be themselves. This works well, especially when tempered with some common sense. After all, there is no reason to be so blatantly honest about meaningless things that may hurt someone’s feelings. Being honest doesn’t mean you have to be cruel.
Recently I signed up at one of the newer free dating sites that specializes in matching up smokers, http://SmokingDate.com/. I was surprised how many there are, and how many hits I got right away. My new profile states: I am who I am. I am a smoker. So either light up or leave me alone.
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