Adultery as Sexual Addiction: Should You Stay Married?

I outline 7 kinds of affairs in my E-book, "Break Free From the Affair." One affair, "I Can't Say NO!" is characterized by addictive tendencies. Infidelity (as well as pornography, strip clubs, online chatting, compulsive masturbation, etc.) may be a part of the sexual addiction.

Often the spouse or partner of a sexually addicted person intuitively knows of the addiction and the struggle his/her partner has with the behavior.

The partner often "feels for" his/her partner and is in a great quandary about staying in the marriage or leaving the marriage.

If you are a person facing this dilemma or know of someone who is, here are some pointed questions to help move more quickly through the decision making process:

1. Do you really want to save the marriage or are you just plain worn out? Does it seem that it would be much easier to just put up and tolerate the crazy kind of behavior you bump into with him? Are you emotionally fried and think of confronting him with your feelings and thoughts of ending the marriage as jumping into more emotional turmoil?

2. Do you really want to save the marriage or do you think you should hang in there for religious, moral or other “should” reasons? Most spouses who partner with those who can’t say no are very conscientious people. Is that you? Do you want to do the right thing? Are you willing to continue feeling the humiliation and facing the dangers because you believe you should stay in the marriage? Do convictions rather than practical and personal concerns dictate your decisions?

3. Do you really want to save the marriage or do you believe you should stay to protect the children? Do you think you are the only spouse who can care for the children? (You may be.) Or maybe your spouse cares deeply for the children and is a good parent. (That may be also.) Do you think that ending the marriage would make life immeasurably worse for your children? Do you fear for their welfare if you confront his behavior?

4. Do you really want to save the marriage or do you see absolutely no way out and are resigned to this marriage? You may experience a powerful pervasive feeling of being stuck. You may believe that you have tried everything and that it is in the best interest of everyone to stay where you are. Couple your weariness with your sense of being stuck and you may tolerate a great deal of disappointment and pain for the sake of the marriage.

5. Do you really want to save the marriage or do you see yourself as incapable of getting out? Your self-esteem may be at rock bottom. You may think of yourself as incapable of starting over, incapable of starting a new relationship, incapable of making the transition to a new life and incapable of making decisions on your own. It is not unusual for the spouse of someone who can’t say no to lose her sense of dignity and self-respect as he attempts to control, intimidate and dictate.

6. Do you really want to save the marriage or do you need to protect him? Do you see beyond what is there to him basic emptiness and fear? It’s there and you know it? Perhaps you fear what might happen to him if you do indeed leave? Will he be able to cope? What destructive path might he take next? So you hang in there, aware of his underlying pain and hope some day it will be addressed.

7. Do you really want to save the marriage or do you live in the fear that if you talk about leaving you will face danger? Perhaps you might face violence? You might face the emotional game playing at a new level of intensity? Does it seem wiser to hold back, not confront, not move toward change for fear of what he might say or do? Do you sometimes feel frozen with fear?

8. Do you really want to save the marriage or have you given no thought to how you might start over? This is a little different than the fear of starting over. Perhaps your life has been so wrapped around his or the care of your children that you have given little, if any, thought to you. Have you thought of your desires, your skills, your dreams, your hopes and your future apart from him? Or, apart from your children?

Take some time to seriously and thoughtfully address these questions. Once you do, you may experience a new found freedom to act and move in new ways.

How to Tell if Your Partner is Cheating on You

Copyright 2006 David Maillie

We hear about it and see it on TV talk shows like Oprah, Dr. Phil, Ellen, and of course The Jerry Springer Show. We just hope it will never happen to us. Cheating is awful in a relationship. It is devastating and usually leaves permanent emotional scars if it doesn’t end the relationship. Unfortunately most partners don’t know about the cheating until they are told about it by a caring friend or relative. Here are some definite signs that by themselves may not be indicative of cheating, but together should send off a big warning signal that something is going on. Recognizing this cheating early on can save oneself from much heartache and trouble that will grow the longer it persists.

A sudden increase in late night work outside the home and travel could indicate your partner is cheating. It may just be innocent and maybe they have a new boss, demanding new clients, or a new demanding project, but they may also have a sexy new secretary that they are suddenly paying a lot of attention to. Communication is the key here, if you have any doubts call them. You won't know if you don't communicate with them. Here's a great tip, if you are feeling doubts tell your partner. If they aren't cheating they have nothing to be worried about and they won't get defensive or mad. If you can’t reach them, they make lots of excuses or they won’t take your calls then a flag should go up. Midnight or midday rendezvous are not inducive to a good relationship and they cannot hide it forever. No one is perfect, even international spies make mistakes. Check their clothes and travel items. Is there an unfamiliar perfume? Something that doesn't belong? Receipts for possibly romantic dinners, hotels, lavish or romantic gifts, etc… (gifts are a huge indicator of cheating).

A sudden decrease in sex drive could mean they are getting it elsewhere. A temporary reduction in sex drive could just be related to increased stress or job duties. It could also indicate medical problems that should be referred to a doctor. Like prostate or urinary trouble. But, a sudden decrease in sex drive equipped with sudden late night work at the office and unexplained receipts for romantic dinners definitely means something is not right and should be checked into.

A marked defensiveness and new irritability expressed towards you. This could be your lover trying to hide their cheating by them throwing it back at you. “Why would you even ask or think that? You should trust me like I do you. Maybe you are the one having an affair. Where were you last night?” A new unforeseen defensiveness in itself is a very strong indicator of cheating. This defensiveness is almost always present in cheating. Just watch Dr. Phil, he knows this and asks the potential cheater why they are so defensive. What do they have to be so defensive about if there isn't anything going on?

Also the opposite of this defensiveness could indicate some infidelity or cheating. Is your partner all of a sudden being extremely nice to you. Are they buying you romantic gifts, dinners, flowers, etc… for no apparent reason you can think of? Is this way out of the norm for them? They may be going through feelings of guilt after infidelity. They may feel guilty for what they have done and are trying to console their feelings in this way after the fact. As seen on Oprah, this is a high indicator that cheating or infidelity has occurred. 95% of partners that have cheated experience feelings of guilt and will be extra nice to their spouse after the infidelity has occurred.

There are other numerous indicators that can be indicative of infidelity or cheating. These may not in themself indicate cheating, but when grouped together, the more indicators that occur, the more likely some cheating or infidelity is going on somewhere or has in the past and your partner may still be trying to cover it up